Why Sainthood Ain't Just For Catholics.
(by Sera)

Once upon a time, in an innocent era when people thought the worst thing that could ever happen to the U.S. was the president getting head from someone who wasn't his wife, I was living more or less like a gypsy in the wilds of Van Nuys. No health insurance. No credit line. Toyota with 199,992 miles on it that I drove relentlessly all over tarnation to audition for indie films (the rule: if it paid, I didn't get the role). Hilariously inappropriate boyfriend. Sketchy job. Producing theater the only way I knew how, by posing more or less nude on the flyers. (Seriously, it takes a fucking act of God to get L.A. people to go see live theater. They're, all like, "But where will I park?" "But the neighborhood!" "But they're doing a 90210-a-thon on SoapNet!")

I remember walking into a bookstore around this time and picking up a copy of Kierkegaard. I read a line that basically broke down to the following sentiment: when a certain kind of guy works his ass off to convince himself he's not in a state of despair? The state he is in is precisely one of despair.

I was like, oh, shit. I thought I was a happy-go-lucky unemployed actress ... but I'm so that guy! I'm in despair!

So I searched my soul for answers, and I heard a voice. It might have been God, but more likely it was my inner upper-middle-class Jew.

The voice suggested I pursue a career in writing (which I secretly liked better than acting anyway, but no way would I have admitted it before that moment, because one's early 20s are a fun-filled time motivated almost solely by the desire to prove every single person who thought you wouldn't make it totally wrong wrong wrong as can be and then not invite them to the Oscar party).

Sure, breaking into the writing business was hard, but, come on. Couldn't be as hard as auditioning. Auditioning is the level of Hades below the one where Sisyphus pushes a rock up a hill for all eternity.

I decided to seek wisdom from this lady I knew who was a successful writer. She was this bogglingly sexy Jewess. You know those people like, say, Angelina Jolie, who prompt you to say, "If I was gonna go gay, it'd be for her?" If I was gonna go gay, it would be for this smoldering tribeslady. She wore rocker t shirts and straw cowboy hats and wrote funny, dirty, personal stuff that got published in books and aired on TV, and she had just bought the cutest house ever — and then renovated it. I went to visit her and when I peed in her bathroom I stared at the shiny new tile on the floor, imagining how much money it cost, imagining being paid enough to risk putting money into your bathroom tiles.

(At this point I'm going to stop the story for one second just to say, this entry is supposed to be about the fabulous Jewish lady I am describing to you. Yet, it is turning out to be mostly about me instead. In this way, it is reminding me of an episode of the Tyra Banks Show. So, yeah, I know it seems maybe slightly narcissitic. But my intention is to get real personal with y'all, so you can feel close to this person we're discussing. There's probably a way for me to do that without coming off quite so much like an asshat, but probably not without doing a rewrite, which I would classify as work. So I won't be doing that. I'll be talking about myself instead. I mean, it's a blog, people. There's a reason my friends and I call updating one's blog "blogsturbating.")

So anyway. I asked that lady what to do to become a writer just like her. That lady proceeded to talk to me about TV writing for over two hours.

She was sweet and not condescending and wished to help in any way she could. Little did I know — people asked her for exactly this advice all the frickin' time. So often that eventually she wrote an entire chapter about it in her book so that she could finally stop repeating herself and instead tell people to go buy it. But that day, she sipped iced tea with me and explained what a spec script is in generous detail.

It didn't stop there. When my writing partner and I wrote a screenplay that you could tell was misguided before you even opened it (because, um, the title was Genie In A Bong), this lady nevertheless passed it along to her agent. And even though her agent must have told her I was the crap-assiest writer ever to load Final Draft software onto my computer, she still believed in me enough to recommend me to a different agent a couple of years later, who did sign me and then got me tons of work. (And health insurance! And I can totally buy as many tiles as I want!!) She continues to do many things on my behalf and on behalf of many, many other people. Yes, she is my friend, and she is also a Jew performing her mitzvot-- and, by helping out another Jew, sticking it to Hitler. But ultimately? I think maybe, just maybe... underneath it all, she's a saint.

Still on the fence? What if I tell you she wrote and produced four seasons of the best TV show ever in the history of ever?

Yeah, I thought you'd climb on board. Because that lady is Jill Soloway.

Buy this book immediately.

Yes, that Jill Soloway. Co-executive producer of Six Feet Under, author of Tiny Ladies In Shiny Pants, creator of Los Angeles comedy institution Sit 'n' Spin, writer of a short story entitled "Courtney Cox's Asshole" that will make you pee yourself laughing, devoted mother, generous friend, and owner of rack so stupendous it makes Katherine Heigl weep with envy.

I have been trying to nominate her for canonization, but the Vatican has yet to return my calls. So in the meantime, I interviewed her for our ongoing investigative report into the origins of Hebraic Hotness. It is my profound pleasure to present to you:

Profiles In Hotness: Jill Soloway

Were you always a hot Jew, or did you go through an awkward phase/convert?

I was awkward from about eleven to twenty-two with my hotness and about zero to forty with my Jewishness. I am so excited to finally be able to be both.

When others praise your hotness, what particular attribute do they most often talk about?

People think I have lovely Jewish skin, which I hope doesn't mean they think it would make good lampshades. The people also enjoy my breasts.

What do you believe is the key to your hotness?

Hashem.

Did you have a Bat Mitzvah?

No. I didn't know from Hashem at that age.

Since you didn't go the whole Bat Mitzvah route, how did you get whatever knowledge you have about Jewish tradition?

Jewish dinners at Aunt Ruth and Uncle Howard's house. All I ever need to know about Judaism came during their basement slide shows of their family vacations.

What kind of Jew are you, besides hot?

I am a Rejewvenation Jew. It's like Renewal and Reform with some gay disco thrown in.

Who is your favorite Hot Jew, besides us?

My boyfriend Josh, Sacha, Jessi Klein, Raelle Tucker, Natalie Portman and Lake Bell. I used to like Rachel Weisz but she dropped out of my movie.

Have you ever experienced antisemitism? If so, what was your very hot response?

In college I found my boyfriend's letters to his best friend where he had drawn 3-D swastikas in the borders and referred to a third party as a jew bitch. I confronted him, cried, then wrote a bad essay about it in a creative writing class years later.

Was your family observant?

Only of the religion of Jewish Melancholy.

How would you describe your religious or spiritual feelings, if any?
Last week, I would have said I was simply "spiritual". This week, however, after a number of freaky coincidences, I am certain I believe in Hashem's power and am awed every day by it. This may or may not be due to having recently figured out how to get a prescription for medical marijuana. (It's a lot easier than it looks!)

Do you think your (hot) Jewishness played a role in your career path?

Every writer's room needs one hot jew bitch.

How frequently do you pepper your speech and/or writing with Yiddishisms?

Not infrequently.

Do you have children? If so, what specifically Jewish neuroses are you helping them cultivate?

I have one son. I am teaching him to fear other races.

What is your Most secret Hot Jew Fantasy?

Sex on Shabbos.

All I Want From Jew Is Love

When the Very Hot Jews decided to investigate the key ingredients in Irresistible Jewish Hotness, certain ridiculously fine Hebes leapt immediately to our fevered minds.

Alluring Jewess Shana Levy is one of those. Her statuesque good looks and inherent cool allow her to taunt you with her very being in any crowd, regardless of how glutted with L.A. modeliciousness that crowd may be. Oh — and she's smart, funny and talented. And single, last we heard, though we assume there's a long line of Nice Jewish (or Jew-curious) Boys just waiting for a shot at the Shan-ster.

Shana, in other words, is a shayneh maidel. We vowed we would stop at nothing to bring her hotness to you.

Shana Levy grew up in sunny, Jewy Miami. She's not just Jewish (complete with charming, nutrition-centric Jewish mum) but also a first-generation American Jew. Her dad emigrated from Egypt. Hot.

She moved to the City of Angels for college, snapped up a degree in theater alongside the Sera half of the VHJ, performed in hilarious local theater productions (including one in which she and Sera starred as devoted lesbian lovers), and spent her scant off time putting her 13 years of classical piano training to good use on the Silverlake indie band scene. Her pile of witty lyrics and upbeat-yet-somehow-haunting melodies grew, and she had no choice but to use her power for good by founding Let's Go Sailing.

The sound of flesh straining against clothing that you are even now hearing is not what you think. Yes, we kind of get a boner for Ms. Levy, but what we're doing is bursting with pride. Because tonight, when you are watching Grey's Anatomy along with the other five billion people who need to know if Izzie and George actually banged or just slept together naked like girlfriends do sometimes, you will be hearing not one but two Let's Go Sailing songs.

Our personal fave, "All I Want From You Is Love," will be featured mid-melodrama; "Sideways" got the pimp spot — it's gonna play over that circle-jerk of tears known as the closing montage Grey's inflicts each week. (Go to their myspace to hear all these and more, plus ogle pics of Shana caressing her guitar.)

You know what this means. Oprah will be listening to Let's Go Sailing tonight.

What better time to share with you our searingly in-depth interview with Shana? Scrub up, people. We're going in the lab.

Profiles In Hotness: Shana Levy

Were you always a hot Jew, or did you go through an awkward phase/convert?

I was definitely not always a hot Jew. I was a chubby kid and a huge nerd.

When others praise your hotness, what particular attribute do they most often talk about?

They talk to me about my height and my overall ethnic hotness. I'm a huge Jew!

What do you believe is the key to your hotness?

That I started accepting my flaws.

Did you have a bar/bat mitzvah? If so, what did you wear? What was the most embarrassing this about it?

No, but I had a Gumby-themed 13th birthday party. My parents are pretty old school and bat mitzvahs aren't traditional, so I had the party instead.

I can't remember what I wore, but I ended up wearing the Gumby-themed "I had a blast at Shana's 13th Birthday Party" t-shirt on top of it by the end of the night.

If you didn't have a bar/bat mitzvah, how did you get whatever knowledge you have about Jewish tradition?

My parents and grandfather told me stuff and I went to school with A LOT of Jews in Miami Beach.

What kind of Jew are you, besides hot? Are you observant, just unusually witty and smart, or other? Please explain.

I'm not very observant but I try to fast on Yom Kippur. I think it's important to think about the stuff you did all year that was stupid. Other than that I have some very classic Jewish traits. I'm neurotic and I think I have some form of OCD.

Who is your favorite Hot Jew, besides us?

Tanya Haden.

Double hotness: Shana with Tanya Haden

Have you ever experienced antisemitism? If so, what was your very hot response?

I luckily have experienced very little antisemitism. I think my response to a comment about being a cheap Jew was "Excuse me?" Yeah, I showed 'em who was boss.

Was your family observant?

Yes, my mom lit the candles every Friday and we celebrated the high holidays.

How would you describe your religious or spiritual feelings, if any?
As an adult I realized life is easier when you believe in God.

Do you think your (hot) Jewishness played a role in your career path?

Yes, I think part of Jewish culture is a stress on education and hard work and both of those have helped me.

How frequently do you pepper your speech and/or writing with Yiddishisms?

I say a Yiddish word probably every day. My grandpa and mom spoke Yiddish to each other so it's part of my vocabulary.

Do you have children? If so, what specifically Jewish neuroses are you helping them cultivate?

No, I have cats, but one of them is already showing signs of OCD. I'm very proud.

What is your most secret Hot Jew Fantasy?

Me and Sasha Baron Cohen eating gefilte fish and holding hands ...

No, wait — my Gumby-themed 13th birthday party. Dang, I wish I could go back for just five minutes.

What Makes A Very Hot Jew?

This is a question the Very Hot Jews have been asking ourselves (when we're not too hung-over to care). One of the aims of our little blog is to bottle the lightning: to quantify for you, our dearest reader, the factors that contribute to hotness of Jew.

We're full-on scientific and shit. We're devising experiments and collecting data.

fig 1: Julianna Margulies: Jew, Very Hot.

Today, we're welcoming you into our lab. Grab a white coat and a martini, kick off your Jimmy Choos, and take a seat right there on the chaise by the piano. (Best lab ever, right? Well, duh, you're dealing with the sexiest scholars this side of that "atomic scientist" played by Sheen's hookerlicious ex-wife in that one Bond movie.)

So, did you Tivo that Oprah about The Secret?

For those of you who don't worship at the Altar of Winfrey, or hang out at the Bodhi Tree, or linger after Power Hatha Fusion listening to everyone talk about their special spiritual belief system and nodding absently whilst trying to catch the eye of Mr./Ms. Hot Yoga Bod Flavor Of The Week.... there's this DVD, and this book, and they're both called The Secret. Apparently, The Secret has changed roughly one zillion lives.

The Very Hot Jews wish for you to have the secret without spending 40 bucks, so here it is: Like Attracts Like.

Feel that for a hot second. Feel your like attracting other like just like it.

Do you feel it? Or are you just sitting there patiently, wondering why we'd bring up the latest hit repackaging of Quantum Physics for Dummies? If you are like us, you are doing the latter, except impatiently. So we'll get to the point.

If you are down with the principle of Like Attracts Like, you will be totally unsurprised to hear that the Very Hot Jews know a whole fuckload of smoldering specimens of Jewishness. Our little black book spontaneously combusted ages ago.

We hope that by turning the microscope on some of our loin-achingly smart, funny, cute, Jewy friends, we can discover the secret ingredients that cook up hot Jew. In other words, discover the Hot Jew Secret. (Somebody call Oprah quick, before Tyra beats her to us.)

And so, we present to you: a regularly irregular new feature called Profiles In Hotness.

Provided we get around to it, and providing our Very Hot Subjects are less hung over than we are, we plan to arouse you repeatedly with sassy little interviews of some of today's hottest Jews. Onward!


Francesca Lia Block: Profile In Hotness

photo by Luiz Calado, Very Hot Brazilian

Francesca Lia Block isn't just built like a supermodel, she's also a world famous novelist. Not that we need to tell you this, especially if you've been an even marginally book-minded teenage girl anytime in the past ten or twenty years. Sera'd read all of Francesca's books long before she realized that the hot chick she'd been ogling in dance class looked an awful lot like the author photo on the back of Necklace of Kisses.

Francesca is perhaps best known for her series Dangerous Angels, which chronicles the magical adventures of a punky L.A girl named Weetzie Bat. We are not exaggerating when we report that many people actually packed up and moved to Los Angeles after reading Francesca's descriptions of the canyons and the nightlife and the fantastic, fantastic hot dogs.

Not a Jew to rest on her laurels, Francesca keeps on popping out bestsellers. Get this: she's published 19 books. (Including at least one featuring a mermaid who gives blowjobs). So, yeah, all you writer types out there with your excuses and your writer's block and your whining over sangria? Shut up.

Francesca recently sat down to chat with the Very Hot Jews (by which we mean, she answered our email) on the subject of her hotness. Here's what she revealed.

Were you always a Hot Jew, or did you go through an awkward phase/convert?

Long awkward phase, but not necessarily anything having to do with Jewness.

When others praise your hotness, what particular attribute do they most often talk about?

Passion/compassion, dancing, fashion sense, ass, sexy writing.
[ed. note: she's not kidding about the ass.]

What do you believe is the key to your hotness?

See above.

Did you have a bat mitzvah? If so, what did you wear? What was the most embarrassing thing about it?

No bat mitzvah. When I was twelve I had a birthday party at The Great American Food And Beverage Company. The waiter sang a Cat Stevens song to me. I wore blue ditto's, blue zip-up sweatshirt and korkees. I ate a cobb salad. Does that count? Oh, I guess not. You have to be thirteen and not eat ham.

If you didn't have a Bar/Bat Mitzvah, how did you get whatever knowledge you have about Jewish tradition?

My parents who considered themselves "cultural Jews," although now my mom is more a Tibetan Buddhist.

What kind of Jew are you, besides hot? Are you observant, just unusually witty and smart, or other? Please explain.

Lapsed (though I no longer touch ham). I also like to shmush the faces of people I love and make shhhushhy ushy sounds at them.

Who is your favorite Hot Jew, besides us?

Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Caron Post--Hot Jew Therapist. Cheryl Moss of Goda Yoga. Joanna Cotler, my editor. Rachel Resnick--half Jew, whole Hot. Hillary Carlip. Karen Hilsberg. Sara (Bett Williams' girlfriend, I don't know her last name).

Have you ever experienced antisemitism? If so, what was your very hot response?

In junior high I had a short German history teacher with hair slicked to the side who taught us about Hitler. I was convinced he hated me but now I believe it was what Sera's mom calls "transgenerational post-traumatic stress syndrome."

Was your family observant?

We ate latkes and brisket and lit candles on the high holidays. I kept my finger on the wine glass to catch my dad sneaking Elijah's wine.

How would you describe your religious or spiritual feelings, if any?

There are no words to properly explain but it has to do with creativity, love, poetry and babies.

Do you think your (hot) Jewishness played a role in your career path?

I'm a writer so I suppose I'm following in that whole "tradition of letters" thing.

How frequently do you pepper your speech and/or writing with Yiddishisms?

Rarely, bubbeleh!

Do you have children? If so, what specifically Jewish neuroses are you helping them cultivate?

High anxiety.

Give us a hint about your most secret Hot Jew Fanstasy.

Lately my Hot Jew fantasy has to do with a hot Brazilian ...