Here's the thing: We don't invade countries and "educate" the "savages" through the use of bribes and sharp objects. We don't even dress our young in short-sleeved button down shirts and send 'em out on missions, equipped only with bicycle helmets and backpacks fulla Bibles. If you want to be a Jew, you pretty much figure it out on your own. Then, you come to us.
You’re skeptical? Relax those doubt muscles – we read about it on HotCelebrityPictures.com. The news might as well have been carved on stone tablets. Here’s a fair-use tidbit to make Edward R. Murrow proud:
“She's exploring right now," [her father] says. "She's explored the Church of Scientology, she tried Kabbalah, and now this. I think it's just another phase. But either way, she's involving God in her life, and I'm happy about that.”A phase? Hasn’t Michael Lohan ever heard the expression "There’s no such thing as a semi-Semite?" OK, neither have we. Interestingly, the story may overshadow another recently tabloided facet of the star's life: her hot-girl-on-girl mature relationship with Samantha Ronson, who – in addition to being a smokin'-hot British dyke with ultra-hip sartorial instincts – is also a DJ. How wicked rad is that? (Peep her disc of Theo Bikel remixes sometime. Challah!) And Samantha, clearly the mad-coolest person in the life of Linds, is apparently the one ushering teen-culture's erstwhile it-girl in her newly Chosen direction.
But clearly we need to say something about this. We need to welcome Lindsay in some way. Like, we need to tell her about how we're going to make her life better through Judaism.
Hmm.
We wish we could say we had the cure for stuff – we may have read someplace that young Miss Lohan has had some form of struggle with substance addiction – but that's more Scientology's bag. Lord only knows we wish we magically whipped parents into shape, but we don't think we can help you if they have preexisting reality TV contracts. But, never fear, Lindsay! Simon and Sera, as the Chosen Two ambassadors of all that is Jewish and Hot, can obviously celebrate your hotness.
In fact, this task is so easy a monkey could so it. After all, there was a dogged rumor that you are in fact so hot, especially around the breast area, that Disney had to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to digitally de-hotify you enough to garner a kid-friendly rating for the hilariously monikered Herbie:Fully Loaded. Linds, if we may be so bold, you - or your boobs, at the very least - are primed and ready to join the tribe. And now that sumptuous rack can be freshly apprehended in the context of your strong, zesty, life-affirming Jewish womanhood.
Well, here’s the thing: Jewish thought (proffering as it does not only Orthodox, Conservative and Reform flavors but also agnostic, atheist, mystical, quasi-mystical, absurdist, Dadaist, slapstick, pork-loving and other variants) is largely about arguing, pondering, adjusting, reconsidering and deciding for yourself.
One thing’s for certain: We’ll be rooting for you extra hard now that you're a Jew. It's true that we here at Very Hot Headquarters sometimes wish ... well, not anything too evil, more like just a mild pox upon the more annoying and superfluous aspirants now thrusting themselves bodily upon fame as though it were the very genitals of Johnny Depp. But there are also those tabloid regulars whom, though they seem at least as spastically cokeheaded as the rest (see Winehouse, Amy), we still love and want to see pull through with panache. And upon whom we also wish to foist a large tureen of nourishing chicken soup.