Monday, October 27, 2008

Sticking It to Hitler: Election Pony Edition

A Plea for Tolerance and Mr. Sparkles, by Simon

Must I begin every post with an abject apology? What's the point of not atoning at Yom Kippur time if I have to whip up a fresh batch o' sorry every time I crawl out from under the teetering pile of whatever that is my work week to blog at y'all? Zut alors, if you'll pardon my French.

But it was clearly time to say hey, because I peeked at the previous word-ball Sera and I had chucked up at this bitch and it was from, like, the Harding administration. And besides, it's election time and I've got something all-consumingly important to say.

I wants a pony. And you can help.

Y'see, the gay community (and its heterosexual minions, who slavishly advance The Gay Agenda) approached me to help do some outreach for the No on 8 campaign. And while I was sympathetic to the cause, I also felt I should have some compensation. Was that so wrong? It was not; the gays understood. So: Terms were discussed. Offers and counter-offers were tendered. And after many tense hours of negotiation, the requisite item was agreed upon.


Pony! PonyPonyPonyPooooooonnnyyyy!

Now, to be fair, it wasn't totally unanimous. Some of the gays on the gay board of directors, like JohnO., were a tough sell:

Every boy has to have a dream... but imagine if we gave Simon his pony. What's next? Botox for Billy? Disney for Danny? Italy for Ian? And none of them are even dying of cancer! There simply must be limits. If Prop 8 is voted down he'll be receiving a box of condoms and the phone number of a good divorce attorney like everyone else.
But I turned on the waterworks and he finally came around:
Alright! Alright! Don't cry. You can have the friggin' pony. Jesus. You all know what a soft touch "we gays" are when a grown man starts to cry. Especially when it does not involve a Judy Garland song, the film "An Imitation of Life" or the news that we've missed a season end sale at Barneys. Oh, to be a social stereotype.
Victory! So anyway, GayCo didn't say exactly how much I'd have to raise to be united with my fetlocked friend, but that I'd have to make "a solid effort."

I set up a fundraising page at ActBlue called Stand Up for Love. You can go there and contribute to the No on 8 campaign to stop the evil religious fuckwits from writing discrimination into the California constitution.

You can put in a few bucks to say that we really ought not to interfere with the right of same-sex couples to solemnize their relationships.

You can drop a few bills in the kitty to affirm that your gay friends deserve to pursue happiness, and the people who would try to prevent that are morally bankrupt shitheads (who, as it happens, only take the Bible "literally" when it suits them and have no scruples about resorting to blackmail).

You can deposit some dough because defeating the curdled and desperate and mean-spirited and cruel initiative known as Prop 8, for fuck's sake, is another way of sticking it to Hitler.

Or you can just contribute because every dollar brings me closer to Mr. Sparkles. I promise I'll feed him and brush him and walk him around and oh please please please please please.

OK, enough yammer. Click the thing and make with the giving. It's pony time.

Oh yeah, and don't forget to vote against Prop 8, and also for that one guy.

Update: Here's a killer new ad against 8, narrated by Sam Jackson.

3 comments:

xi said...

This just goes to show you why you are smarter than I am. I would have asked for a robot, but obviously a pony makes much more sense. Now, of course, I have to ask myself when contributing if I am doing so because I firmly believe that everybody should vote No on 8, or if it's because I really really really want to see you get your pony. Is it really wrong to make it a little of both?

Simon Glickman and Sera Gamble said...

xi, you're super-nice, and that's never wrong. Besides, the gays say whatever works is cool.

There's no reason you can't have a robot, though.

The Minstrel Boy said...

yes! yes! ponies! yes!

i have been doggedly manning the phones. it's depressing in a way though. usually, if they don't hang up on me right away i have to spend a lot of time dispelling the rumor, and outright lies that have been promulgated

"they will disband the boy scouts"
"they will teach homosexuality in schools"
"they. . .insert fantastic lie here"

i try to remain calm and rational. my cousin, who is a brilliant attorney in arizona, came to california in june to marry his partner of nearly twenty years. i have four divorces, four messy divorces where i was a drunken jerk.

my cousin, with his long term, loving relationship is far less a threat to marriage as an institution than i am.

my cousin, who has been faithful to his partner the whole time of their relationship is less a threat to the institution of marriage than john mcCain who began his affair with his current wife while still married. he is less a threat than newt gingrich who was conducting an affair on his second wife while prosecuting bill clinton for lying about his personal life.

to say nothing of the fact that amending the constitution of california, or anywhere else, for the express purpose of denying equality and rights to others is just plain wrong.

also wrong is allowing salt lake city to so heavily influence the political situation in california.

salt. lake. city.
latter. day. saints.

the church that only got around to having it revealed to their prophet that black people will not be slaves in heaven in the 80s.

don't get me wrong. i have a huge, actually unpayable debt to the lds church. in the fifties a mormon bishop in mesa, arizona opened his storehouse and flat out saved starving apaches on the northern reservations. nobody else was there, but the mormons were. i got my high school education through a mormon indian placement program that allowed me to go to a high school that had actual textbooks and teachers that had gone to college and stuff. nobody else was offering and i'm very grateful that they were there for me.

i still don't want them deciding california politics. if i approved of their theology and their methods i would move to utah or go hang out with warren jeffs.

glad to see ya'll back on the intertubes.

here's hoping. a demonstration for "no on hate, no on 8" made the front page of our little desert town this morning.

ilch'i'gont'eehi bee nohwichi'i goz'aa le.

(peace be with all ya'll) in western apache.