A Letter to Eliot Spitzer

Dude.

A ton of ink has been spilled, already, on your stupid zipper moment: How law-and-order types are invariably heavy-breathing hypocrites. How you've set the cause of government reform back 20 years. How powerful men can't keep it in their pants. How you're roadkill in the Justice Department's illegal wiretap war on Democrats.

There are so many valid (and stupid) points to be chewed upon, and the mighty termites of the fourth estate are masticating busily as we speak.

But if we may, we'd like to ask a question that no one seems to have considered.

You paid HOW MUCH?

Seriously, bro. Like, four grand and change for a hooker? The AP says you might've spent as much as 80 large, all told.

OK, maybe you're a specialty client, and you're into some crazy shit. But you're in New York, where no request is too unusual! Isn't there any competition in that market? We gotta know: How is it that you were ready to pony up that kind of cheddar? Isn't the prevention of waste and fraud your specialty? And we hate to press the point, for all kinds of reasons, but you, of all people, paying retail?

We believe you could get the full menu for no more than five Benjis, and that's just on Craigslist.

You might still have been caught, but at least you wouldn't look like such a chump.

Sincerely yours,

The Very Hot Jews