What Makes A Very Hot Jew?

This is a question the Very Hot Jews have been asking ourselves (when we're not too hung-over to care). One of the aims of our little blog is to bottle the lightning: to quantify for you, our dearest reader, the factors that contribute to hotness of Jew.

We're full-on scientific and shit. We're devising experiments and collecting data.

fig 1: Julianna Margulies: Jew, Very Hot.

Today, we're welcoming you into our lab. Grab a white coat and a martini, kick off your Jimmy Choos, and take a seat right there on the chaise by the piano. (Best lab ever, right? Well, duh, you're dealing with the sexiest scholars this side of that "atomic scientist" played by Sheen's hookerlicious ex-wife in that one Bond movie.)

So, did you Tivo that Oprah about The Secret?

For those of you who don't worship at the Altar of Winfrey, or hang out at the Bodhi Tree, or linger after Power Hatha Fusion listening to everyone talk about their special spiritual belief system and nodding absently whilst trying to catch the eye of Mr./Ms. Hot Yoga Bod Flavor Of The Week.... there's this DVD, and this book, and they're both called The Secret. Apparently, The Secret has changed roughly one zillion lives.

The Very Hot Jews wish for you to have the secret without spending 40 bucks, so here it is: Like Attracts Like.

Feel that for a hot second. Feel your like attracting other like just like it.

Do you feel it? Or are you just sitting there patiently, wondering why we'd bring up the latest hit repackaging of Quantum Physics for Dummies? If you are like us, you are doing the latter, except impatiently. So we'll get to the point.

If you are down with the principle of Like Attracts Like, you will be totally unsurprised to hear that the Very Hot Jews know a whole fuckload of smoldering specimens of Jewishness. Our little black book spontaneously combusted ages ago.

We hope that by turning the microscope on some of our loin-achingly smart, funny, cute, Jewy friends, we can discover the secret ingredients that cook up hot Jew. In other words, discover the Hot Jew Secret. (Somebody call Oprah quick, before Tyra beats her to us.)

And so, we present to you: a regularly irregular new feature called Profiles In Hotness.

Provided we get around to it, and providing our Very Hot Subjects are less hung over than we are, we plan to arouse you repeatedly with sassy little interviews of some of today's hottest Jews. Onward!


Francesca Lia Block: Profile In Hotness

photo by Luiz Calado, Very Hot Brazilian

Francesca Lia Block isn't just built like a supermodel, she's also a world famous novelist. Not that we need to tell you this, especially if you've been an even marginally book-minded teenage girl anytime in the past ten or twenty years. Sera'd read all of Francesca's books long before she realized that the hot chick she'd been ogling in dance class looked an awful lot like the author photo on the back of Necklace of Kisses.

Francesca is perhaps best known for her series Dangerous Angels, which chronicles the magical adventures of a punky L.A girl named Weetzie Bat. We are not exaggerating when we report that many people actually packed up and moved to Los Angeles after reading Francesca's descriptions of the canyons and the nightlife and the fantastic, fantastic hot dogs.

Not a Jew to rest on her laurels, Francesca keeps on popping out bestsellers. Get this: she's published 19 books. (Including at least one featuring a mermaid who gives blowjobs). So, yeah, all you writer types out there with your excuses and your writer's block and your whining over sangria? Shut up.

Francesca recently sat down to chat with the Very Hot Jews (by which we mean, she answered our email) on the subject of her hotness. Here's what she revealed.

Were you always a Hot Jew, or did you go through an awkward phase/convert?

Long awkward phase, but not necessarily anything having to do with Jewness.

When others praise your hotness, what particular attribute do they most often talk about?

Passion/compassion, dancing, fashion sense, ass, sexy writing.
[ed. note: she's not kidding about the ass.]

What do you believe is the key to your hotness?

See above.

Did you have a bat mitzvah? If so, what did you wear? What was the most embarrassing thing about it?

No bat mitzvah. When I was twelve I had a birthday party at The Great American Food And Beverage Company. The waiter sang a Cat Stevens song to me. I wore blue ditto's, blue zip-up sweatshirt and korkees. I ate a cobb salad. Does that count? Oh, I guess not. You have to be thirteen and not eat ham.

If you didn't have a Bar/Bat Mitzvah, how did you get whatever knowledge you have about Jewish tradition?

My parents who considered themselves "cultural Jews," although now my mom is more a Tibetan Buddhist.

What kind of Jew are you, besides hot? Are you observant, just unusually witty and smart, or other? Please explain.

Lapsed (though I no longer touch ham). I also like to shmush the faces of people I love and make shhhushhy ushy sounds at them.

Who is your favorite Hot Jew, besides us?

Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Caron Post--Hot Jew Therapist. Cheryl Moss of Goda Yoga. Joanna Cotler, my editor. Rachel Resnick--half Jew, whole Hot. Hillary Carlip. Karen Hilsberg. Sara (Bett Williams' girlfriend, I don't know her last name).

Have you ever experienced antisemitism? If so, what was your very hot response?

In junior high I had a short German history teacher with hair slicked to the side who taught us about Hitler. I was convinced he hated me but now I believe it was what Sera's mom calls "transgenerational post-traumatic stress syndrome."

Was your family observant?

We ate latkes and brisket and lit candles on the high holidays. I kept my finger on the wine glass to catch my dad sneaking Elijah's wine.

How would you describe your religious or spiritual feelings, if any?

There are no words to properly explain but it has to do with creativity, love, poetry and babies.

Do you think your (hot) Jewishness played a role in your career path?

I'm a writer so I suppose I'm following in that whole "tradition of letters" thing.

How frequently do you pepper your speech and/or writing with Yiddishisms?

Rarely, bubbeleh!

Do you have children? If so, what specifically Jewish neuroses are you helping them cultivate?

High anxiety.

Give us a hint about your most secret Hot Jew Fanstasy.

Lately my Hot Jew fantasy has to do with a hot Brazilian ...